Coffee shops aren’t really about coffee. They’re about the illusion of productivity.

We go there, surrounded by other people furiously typing on laptops, and think: “Look at all these productive people! I must be productive too!”

Meanwhile, half of them are just scrolling social media with intense expressions.

The coffee itself? A prop. A permission slip to occupy space for three hours. The more complicated your order, the longer your rental agreement.

“I’ll have a triple shot, half-caf, oat milk latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla” really means “I’ll be taking this table until dinner time.”

And the tables! Always slightly wobbly, as if designed to keep you alert.

The background music? Carefully calibrated to be just interesting enough to notice, but not enough to distract.

Coffee shops are civilization’s greatest productivity theatre, and I’m here for every overpriced act.